The Irony of being in love with Kevin Collier

I perused my past blogs. I'd just like to see if i've made any positive progress in my life. With my blogs,sometimes i summarized my life into a few months. The highs and the lows.

In my last few blogs, i was giving relationships a good try.

Over the past year,since May 2004, i've been in touch with this lovely, sarcastic, creative,open and understanding man. I was aghast when i started to obsess about him a few months after we started mailing each other. After all,he lives in Orlando. I'm based in KL at the moment. i had wanted to match him up with a mate as personality-wise he'd fit her better.

Then,we started IM-ing. And i called him. He called back. So we did the whole email/IM/calling routine since August/september last year. It's nice to have someone who's clued into what you like,what drives you,what inspires you and how you think.

At some point,without realizing it,i fell in love with him; someone i have never met. Mind you, i'm still falling-in-love a year later and it sucks.

The main problem i think is me. I'm insecure. I think Good Grief,there's all these young pretty girls wanting this person. And they can actually call him up/IM him everyday/hang out iwth him. With my schedule,the most i can do is email everyday. Of course,with his busy schedule: house parties,nights out dancing or taking photos or going to gigs and his job,he hardly does do email well.

From last year, i wanted to move to the states but i told myself,don't. We had a talk about this on Saturday and he said why not i move?. I said no. To be honest,i'm actually scared to uproot myself all the way to the States without knowing if i have a good chance.

To be even more honest,sometimes i feel insecure because this man doesn't care much about anything else outside his "world". Things in his immediate orbit is Music-Photography-his mates-his toys-his work.

I felt even worse when i realize that there's no way he would ever leave Orlando. What would be nice is if he would meet me halfway. Have both of us pick a neutral place like London and see if we work out in real life. I've flung that idea and it's been rejected. After all,he says he has everything he wants in Orlando.

What can i do?. It's going nowhere but how can you just switch off your feelings?. However,are these feelings really real?. God knows.