May 14 2005

This was Stress.

stress

i'm sitting in a dingy cybercafe with folks going "wah-lauuu" and prepubescent chinese males staring into comp screens. They are maiming,shooting up guns and kicking their way to victory online. I am just tired and hungry.

On Saturday morning i woke up a bit bleary eyed because i had stayed up too late reading. Had a shower, went down to the car to grab my clothes. I was in my jammies. They are of course ugly as hell because they aren't mine (sorry Aiza but that's the truth). My parents looked a bit tense that morning so i was glad i could say i was going to work. It was already 825 and i had a locum at 915. Went back into the house to change. Dad is now severely peeved. Mum has actually put distance between herself and dad and is now sitting far away on the sofa.


He says "Sit. I want to talk to you".In my mildest voice (which is hard b'cos it's realllly early): Sorry daddy but i've to get ready for work.When i come down he is absolutely bloody pissed off. He says" i thought i told you to change. When are you ever going to change?. WHy did you go out of the house wearing your pyjamas? Have you no maruah? (loosely translated dignity).I admit the jammies were ugly. No,i just went to grab my clothes. I had changed into looooose baggy unflattering drawstring pants and a long sleeved shirt. You know,because if i look real nice they may think i'm off "being a slut" as they say rather than working.He then starts into a rant. Says i have no maruah/dignity as i go back and forth and come home wearing my scrub tops.

Imbecile that i am,i say well that's just a uniform. Everyone wears scrub tops/scrubs. This pisses him off more.

I say " there's no need to get angry over this. Be reasonable"

He says " shut up. sit down when you are talking to me. Since when did i teach you to talk back (melawan).

"I say "look i'm not. But i don't see what the big deal is. I can't believe you are rowing into me just because of this".

He says " don't you talk back to me while walking away. Do you want me to slap you?." at this point he is severely agitated.

He gets up but makes himself sit down again. I can see sometime this week my dad has lost some front teeth. I think he sat down because he was feeling weak. And he looks shrivelled up and small. And actually my heart has gone cold and shrivelled up as his face has.I go over to him. I bend down and kiss his fingers. I go to my mum. I clasp her hands in a salam. And i say goodbye mum.goodbye Dad.All throughout the day and night and while i was working i keep getting these text messages from mum. Initially they are contrite. Then,she resorts to emotional blackmail-if you love me you'll come home tonight if not i'll get it even worse........or I think children should beg forgiveness from their parents first......or come home if not it will get worse.At this point instead of going home,i decide enough crap is enough. I don't see the point going home to get yelled at or slapped or hit or having a knife pointed at me. I heard from a friend that they were looking for me at the hospital. It's too bad. It's the one place i would have felt safe. It's the one place i know i won't be abused mentally, emotionally,psychologically. Physically i am not going to hold myself responsible for defending myself.I have no place to stay. So my question is this: In my position,what would you do?.