Yarusenai and Setsunai

So yeah, i just finished this really in-depth book Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein. I've always admired journalists. My grand-dad was many things, an Intel Officer with the Indonesian army at one point vs the Dutch, a Malaysian nationalist at the grassroots level..who despised what UMNO became, a journalist, the first Malay newspaper editor of an English language daily and of course the most awesome Grand-dad ever.

Reading Tokyo Vice though, lead me down routes i really did not want to take into being an "information whore". Into the Tokyo underbelly of Yakuza, Japanese attitudes towards women and sex. It certainly killed the romance of a journalists' life!

However, a beautiful part was when Adelstein tried to explain his feelings with regards to a very tragic event involving a mentor and colleague.

He described what i felt and often feel  perfectly. English, is a very limited language, at times. I'm glad i can fall back on Malay. And now, i do wish i could speak Japanese.

To quote Adelstein:
"Setsunai, is better described as a feeling of sadness and loneliness so powerful that it feels as if your chest is constricted, as if you can't breathe; a sadness that is physical and tangible".

That is perfect. Exactly what i have been feeling for the past 15 months.

He goes on:

" Yarusenai: a grief or loneliness so strong that you can't get rid of it, you can't clear it away". And he is absolutely right- every time i remember certain events, i feel that yarusenai.

The best thing of course, is to not feel ever again.

Mr Adelstein then includes this children's song by Takehisa Yumeji called Evening Primrose. Although he notes much is lost in translation, i quite like his:

You live and wait and wait..and wait
But the other may never come
Like waiting on the evening primrose


This feeling of sadness without end
This evening, it does not seem
That even the moon will come out.

Extrication-pfft, can do mate.

Well, despite maybe 6-7 hours sustained sleep in 7 days, maybe 3 proper meals, anxiety attacks and generally feeling like crap;i passed my Advanced International Trauma

and Life Support class. Whoop de doo. Now, it's finishing up this block of my Women's Health Diploma, a mental health course on March 12 (now that should come in handy), a STI course March 13 and of course offering all sorts of prayers to God that i'll be finally allowed to write the remaining bits of my Fellowship exams.

Now that my Masters in Public Health and Infectious disease has been deferred to July, i can breath easy as my logbook for Women's Health is already halfway done and i've fulfilled the required 20 pap smears.

Perhaps it is good i'm going home, even for only 2 days. Reminds me why i'm rootless, homeless, alone and nomadic. It is sad when my little sister (okay so she's 31 and is a psychiatrist) has to say " It's okay Dian, you should keep on trying to find somewhere you'll fit in. Maybe Borneo or even Hawaii. I know it was hard here in KL".

Sigh, what if it's nowhere?. In KL: too opinionated, not fair enough, not skinny enough, not Malay enough, too aggressive.

In Perth:" too opinionated, too Brown, has an accent, obviously not white".

In Canada: "just right..but mate why'd you have to work in Malaysia all those years?".

Can't really win can i?

The main problem is i should have stuck to my guns and never bothered with dating and all this companionship crap. You get used to it. And when it's gone, the hole left behind is just so bloody painful and no matter where you are, even on gorgeous Cottlesloe beach, it just sucks when you can't reach over and hold someone's hand or just share how fucking fantastic you feel right there and then.

Or even worse, you try to share a fucking fantastic moment i.e Erykah Badu holding the mike for you to sing and the allegedly best mate you call can't be arsed to even pick up the goddamned phone. Now, that's a very special degree of hurting right there. Should not have bothered really. Never mind, hopefully when i have my death bed experience i won't remember being blown off by a mate, but instead remember how utterly awesome Erykah Badu was, how soothing the sea is, the neon blue of Cotto and the cloudless skies above Perth.

Robyn 'Dancehall Queen'

Robyn 'Be Mine!'

Robyn 'Dancing On My Own' (Official Video)

Oh Land - Sun Of A Gun

Savage Skulls & Douster feat Robyn - Bad Gal

"Shake The Disease" Hooverphonic

Rammstein - Stripped (official video)

Smashing Pumpkins - Never Let Me Down Again (HD)

Depeche Mode kinda mood

I've always been a Depeche Mode/Cure/NIN/Nirvana/Portishead kind of girl. But, that changed a bit over Christmas and i started feeling happy again-after a long time of not remembering how it felt like to be happy. I had my best mate visiting, we had fun and life was good. Even started to listen to happier stuff, like Soft Pack.

So we went on a trip. I thought it was fun and i had a good time. However, i reckon i must have stuffed up somewhere. From hearing from my mate regularly, the past week of calls not answered, texts not answered and no emails. This is weird cos usually we talk everyday. When i do finally get some kind of email, it's just to say it was fun for my mate to be with his clients and colleagues and go out and pretend to be other people...and that's why it was total communications shutdown?. At least there should be a girl involved?.

I guess, even at this age, i can surmise that i'm only good as "best mate" when there are no other buddies around. Sigh, i'm getting too old for this. I had boyfriends do this to me but it just hurts so much, so unbelievably freaking much out of proportion to what it should compared to that. I guess, i placed too much trust and value to a friendship that i thought was a 2 way street. It's kind of weird being someone's allegedly best mate but "hey, if i'm with work colleagues just don't bother me".

Of course, a simple text: i.e "girl, i am seriously chasing skirt with my mate, getting drunk and partying after work that i have no time to talk" would have been ideal!.

Or even better :" mate, you were bloody annoying the whole trip..for e.g (insert annoying act)..and it could be sorted!

Or perhaps the trip did not go as well as i felt it did. I had fun, i loved it, i miss my buddy because we can talk nerdy fun shit or just be silly or just try anything that may be interesting.

Now, i'm just extremely sad. More than a little bit stressed out with exams, work, Masters and a diploma course. Functioning on no sleep (ruminating too much about what i did wrong or not), no food (been really sick past few days) and just sheer stubbornness. Of course, the upside to that is i may win a bet as i weighed in today at 63.8kg, way down from 66kg last week in Japan. When i am broken-hearted, i just can't eat. I can work, i can be absolutely brilliant at what i do, i can help other people but i cannot sleep, eat or relax.

My new year's resolution was to stay happy, toughen up and no crying. I think i have broken all 3 easily this past week.

Well, i guess the only thing to do is tackle more important stuff. Man, i really truly deeply believed it when my mate said "i'll always have time for you mate".  Words just words eh?.

Sigh, well i am really grateful to my mate anyway for being a rock through some hard times. And being kind and honest (i thought) to me. So, no one's perfect. But nothing will be the same because i don't think i have ever had such deep trust in anyone my whole life.

At times like these, just have to go to Bunnings, get some planks, build a bridge and get over it.

Deftones - To Have And To Hold (live)