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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Sarah Blasko: Hold on my heart
One thing i can say, whenever i am heartsick, i lose heaps of weight. But hey, even if my affections are not reciprocated, at least i love myself. Muahahahhaa.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Big Day Out 2011 PERTH with Grinderman,M.I.A
So far, best BDO that i've attended. Highlights of course, were Iggy Pop, Grinderman, Rammstein and M.I.A.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Yarusenai and Setsunai
So yeah, i just finished this really in-depth book Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein. I've always admired journalists. My grand-dad was many things, an Intel Officer with the Indonesian army at one point vs the Dutch, a Malaysian nationalist at the grassroots level..who despised what UMNO became, a journalist, the first Malay newspaper editor of an English language daily and of course the most awesome Grand-dad ever.
Reading Tokyo Vice though, lead me down routes i really did not want to take into being an "information whore". Into the Tokyo underbelly of Yakuza, Japanese attitudes towards women and sex. It certainly killed the romance of a journalists' life!
However, a beautiful part was when Adelstein tried to explain his feelings with regards to a very tragic event involving a mentor and colleague.
He described what i felt and often feel perfectly. English, is a very limited language, at times. I'm glad i can fall back on Malay. And now, i do wish i could speak Japanese.
To quote Adelstein:
"Setsunai, is better described as a feeling of sadness and loneliness so powerful that it feels as if your chest is constricted, as if you can't breathe; a sadness that is physical and tangible".
That is perfect. Exactly what i have been feeling for the past 15 months.
He goes on:
" Yarusenai: a grief or loneliness so strong that you can't get rid of it, you can't clear it away". And he is absolutely right- every time i remember certain events, i feel that yarusenai.
The best thing of course, is to not feel ever again.
Mr Adelstein then includes this children's song by Takehisa Yumeji called Evening Primrose. Although he notes much is lost in translation, i quite like his:
You live and wait and wait..and wait
But the other may never come
Like waiting on the evening primrose
This feeling of sadness without end
This evening, it does not seem
That even the moon will come out.
Reading Tokyo Vice though, lead me down routes i really did not want to take into being an "information whore". Into the Tokyo underbelly of Yakuza, Japanese attitudes towards women and sex. It certainly killed the romance of a journalists' life!
However, a beautiful part was when Adelstein tried to explain his feelings with regards to a very tragic event involving a mentor and colleague.
He described what i felt and often feel perfectly. English, is a very limited language, at times. I'm glad i can fall back on Malay. And now, i do wish i could speak Japanese.
To quote Adelstein:
"Setsunai, is better described as a feeling of sadness and loneliness so powerful that it feels as if your chest is constricted, as if you can't breathe; a sadness that is physical and tangible".
That is perfect. Exactly what i have been feeling for the past 15 months.
He goes on:
" Yarusenai: a grief or loneliness so strong that you can't get rid of it, you can't clear it away". And he is absolutely right- every time i remember certain events, i feel that yarusenai.
The best thing of course, is to not feel ever again.
Mr Adelstein then includes this children's song by Takehisa Yumeji called Evening Primrose. Although he notes much is lost in translation, i quite like his:
You live and wait and wait..and wait
But the other may never come
Like waiting on the evening primrose
This feeling of sadness without end
This evening, it does not seem
That even the moon will come out.
Extrication-pfft, can do mate.
Well, despite maybe 6-7 hours sustained sleep in 7 days, maybe 3 proper meals, anxiety attacks and generally feeling like crap;i passed my Advanced International Trauma
and Life Support class. Whoop de doo. Now, it's finishing up this block of my Women's Health Diploma, a mental health course on March 12 (now that should come in handy), a STI course March 13 and of course offering all sorts of prayers to God that i'll be finally allowed to write the remaining bits of my Fellowship exams.
Now that my Masters in Public Health and Infectious disease has been deferred to July, i can breath easy as my logbook for Women's Health is already halfway done and i've fulfilled the required 20 pap smears.
Perhaps it is good i'm going home, even for only 2 days. Reminds me why i'm rootless, homeless, alone and nomadic. It is sad when my little sister (okay so she's 31 and is a psychiatrist) has to say " It's okay Dian, you should keep on trying to find somewhere you'll fit in. Maybe Borneo or even Hawaii. I know it was hard here in KL".
Sigh, what if it's nowhere?. In KL: too opinionated, not fair enough, not skinny enough, not Malay enough, too aggressive.
In Perth:" too opinionated, too Brown, has an accent, obviously not white".
In Canada: "just right..but mate why'd you have to work in Malaysia all those years?".
Can't really win can i?
The main problem is i should have stuck to my guns and never bothered with dating and all this companionship crap. You get used to it. And when it's gone, the hole left behind is just so bloody painful and no matter where you are, even on gorgeous Cottlesloe beach, it just sucks when you can't reach over and hold someone's hand or just share how fucking fantastic you feel right there and then.
Or even worse, you try to share a fucking fantastic moment i.e Erykah Badu holding the mike for you to sing and the allegedly best mate you call can't be arsed to even pick up the goddamned phone. Now, that's a very special degree of hurting right there. Should not have bothered really. Never mind, hopefully when i have my death bed experience i won't remember being blown off by a mate, but instead remember how utterly awesome Erykah Badu was, how soothing the sea is, the neon blue of Cotto and the cloudless skies above Perth.
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