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Friday, March 04, 2011
Big Day Out 2011 PERTH with Grinderman,M.I.A
So far, best BDO that i've attended. Highlights of course, were Iggy Pop, Grinderman, Rammstein and M.I.A.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Yarusenai and Setsunai
So yeah, i just finished this really in-depth book Tokyo Vice by Jake Adelstein. I've always admired journalists. My grand-dad was many things, an Intel Officer with the Indonesian army at one point vs the Dutch, a Malaysian nationalist at the grassroots level..who despised what UMNO became, a journalist, the first Malay newspaper editor of an English language daily and of course the most awesome Grand-dad ever.
Reading Tokyo Vice though, lead me down routes i really did not want to take into being an "information whore". Into the Tokyo underbelly of Yakuza, Japanese attitudes towards women and sex. It certainly killed the romance of a journalists' life!
However, a beautiful part was when Adelstein tried to explain his feelings with regards to a very tragic event involving a mentor and colleague.
He described what i felt and often feel perfectly. English, is a very limited language, at times. I'm glad i can fall back on Malay. And now, i do wish i could speak Japanese.
To quote Adelstein:
"Setsunai, is better described as a feeling of sadness and loneliness so powerful that it feels as if your chest is constricted, as if you can't breathe; a sadness that is physical and tangible".
That is perfect. Exactly what i have been feeling for the past 15 months.
He goes on:
" Yarusenai: a grief or loneliness so strong that you can't get rid of it, you can't clear it away". And he is absolutely right- every time i remember certain events, i feel that yarusenai.
The best thing of course, is to not feel ever again.
Mr Adelstein then includes this children's song by Takehisa Yumeji called Evening Primrose. Although he notes much is lost in translation, i quite like his:
You live and wait and wait..and wait
But the other may never come
Like waiting on the evening primrose
This feeling of sadness without end
This evening, it does not seem
That even the moon will come out.
Reading Tokyo Vice though, lead me down routes i really did not want to take into being an "information whore". Into the Tokyo underbelly of Yakuza, Japanese attitudes towards women and sex. It certainly killed the romance of a journalists' life!
However, a beautiful part was when Adelstein tried to explain his feelings with regards to a very tragic event involving a mentor and colleague.
He described what i felt and often feel perfectly. English, is a very limited language, at times. I'm glad i can fall back on Malay. And now, i do wish i could speak Japanese.
To quote Adelstein:
"Setsunai, is better described as a feeling of sadness and loneliness so powerful that it feels as if your chest is constricted, as if you can't breathe; a sadness that is physical and tangible".
That is perfect. Exactly what i have been feeling for the past 15 months.
He goes on:
" Yarusenai: a grief or loneliness so strong that you can't get rid of it, you can't clear it away". And he is absolutely right- every time i remember certain events, i feel that yarusenai.
The best thing of course, is to not feel ever again.
Mr Adelstein then includes this children's song by Takehisa Yumeji called Evening Primrose. Although he notes much is lost in translation, i quite like his:
You live and wait and wait..and wait
But the other may never come
Like waiting on the evening primrose
This feeling of sadness without end
This evening, it does not seem
That even the moon will come out.
Extrication-pfft, can do mate.
Well, despite maybe 6-7 hours sustained sleep in 7 days, maybe 3 proper meals, anxiety attacks and generally feeling like crap;i passed my Advanced International Trauma
and Life Support class. Whoop de doo. Now, it's finishing up this block of my Women's Health Diploma, a mental health course on March 12 (now that should come in handy), a STI course March 13 and of course offering all sorts of prayers to God that i'll be finally allowed to write the remaining bits of my Fellowship exams.
Now that my Masters in Public Health and Infectious disease has been deferred to July, i can breath easy as my logbook for Women's Health is already halfway done and i've fulfilled the required 20 pap smears.
Perhaps it is good i'm going home, even for only 2 days. Reminds me why i'm rootless, homeless, alone and nomadic. It is sad when my little sister (okay so she's 31 and is a psychiatrist) has to say " It's okay Dian, you should keep on trying to find somewhere you'll fit in. Maybe Borneo or even Hawaii. I know it was hard here in KL".
Sigh, what if it's nowhere?. In KL: too opinionated, not fair enough, not skinny enough, not Malay enough, too aggressive.
In Perth:" too opinionated, too Brown, has an accent, obviously not white".
In Canada: "just right..but mate why'd you have to work in Malaysia all those years?".
Can't really win can i?
The main problem is i should have stuck to my guns and never bothered with dating and all this companionship crap. You get used to it. And when it's gone, the hole left behind is just so bloody painful and no matter where you are, even on gorgeous Cottlesloe beach, it just sucks when you can't reach over and hold someone's hand or just share how fucking fantastic you feel right there and then.
Or even worse, you try to share a fucking fantastic moment i.e Erykah Badu holding the mike for you to sing and the allegedly best mate you call can't be arsed to even pick up the goddamned phone. Now, that's a very special degree of hurting right there. Should not have bothered really. Never mind, hopefully when i have my death bed experience i won't remember being blown off by a mate, but instead remember how utterly awesome Erykah Badu was, how soothing the sea is, the neon blue of Cotto and the cloudless skies above Perth.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Depeche Mode kinda mood
I've always been a Depeche Mode/Cure/NIN/Nirvana/Portishead kind of girl. But, that changed a bit over Christmas and i started feeling happy again-after a long time of not remembering how it felt like to be happy. I had my best mate visiting, we had fun and life was good. Even started to listen to happier stuff, like Soft Pack.
So we went on a trip. I thought it was fun and i had a good time. However, i reckon i must have stuffed up somewhere. From hearing from my mate regularly, the past week of calls not answered, texts not answered and no emails. This is weird cos usually we talk everyday. When i do finally get some kind of email, it's just to say it was fun for my mate to be with his clients and colleagues and go out and pretend to be other people...and that's why it was total communications shutdown?. At least there should be a girl involved?.
I guess, even at this age, i can surmise that i'm only good as "best mate" when there are no other buddies around. Sigh, i'm getting too old for this. I had boyfriends do this to me but it just hurts so much, so unbelievably freaking much out of proportion to what it should compared to that. I guess, i placed too much trust and value to a friendship that i thought was a 2 way street. It's kind of weird being someone's allegedly best mate but "hey, if i'm with work colleagues just don't bother me".
Of course, a simple text: i.e "girl, i am seriously chasing skirt with my mate, getting drunk and partying after work that i have no time to talk" would have been ideal!.
Or even better :" mate, you were bloody annoying the whole trip..for e.g (insert annoying act)..and it could be sorted!
Or perhaps the trip did not go as well as i felt it did. I had fun, i loved it, i miss my buddy because we can talk nerdy fun shit or just be silly or just try anything that may be interesting.
Now, i'm just extremely sad. More than a little bit stressed out with exams, work, Masters and a diploma course. Functioning on no sleep (ruminating too much about what i did wrong or not), no food (been really sick past few days) and just sheer stubbornness. Of course, the upside to that is i may win a bet as i weighed in today at 63.8kg, way down from 66kg last week in Japan. When i am broken-hearted, i just can't eat. I can work, i can be absolutely brilliant at what i do, i can help other people but i cannot sleep, eat or relax.
My new year's resolution was to stay happy, toughen up and no crying. I think i have broken all 3 easily this past week.
Well, i guess the only thing to do is tackle more important stuff. Man, i really truly deeply believed it when my mate said "i'll always have time for you mate". Words just words eh?.
Sigh, well i am really grateful to my mate anyway for being a rock through some hard times. And being kind and honest (i thought) to me. So, no one's perfect. But nothing will be the same because i don't think i have ever had such deep trust in anyone my whole life.
At times like these, just have to go to Bunnings, get some planks, build a bridge and get over it.
So we went on a trip. I thought it was fun and i had a good time. However, i reckon i must have stuffed up somewhere. From hearing from my mate regularly, the past week of calls not answered, texts not answered and no emails. This is weird cos usually we talk everyday. When i do finally get some kind of email, it's just to say it was fun for my mate to be with his clients and colleagues and go out and pretend to be other people...and that's why it was total communications shutdown?. At least there should be a girl involved?.
I guess, even at this age, i can surmise that i'm only good as "best mate" when there are no other buddies around. Sigh, i'm getting too old for this. I had boyfriends do this to me but it just hurts so much, so unbelievably freaking much out of proportion to what it should compared to that. I guess, i placed too much trust and value to a friendship that i thought was a 2 way street. It's kind of weird being someone's allegedly best mate but "hey, if i'm with work colleagues just don't bother me".
Of course, a simple text: i.e "girl, i am seriously chasing skirt with my mate, getting drunk and partying after work that i have no time to talk" would have been ideal!.
Or even better :" mate, you were bloody annoying the whole trip..for e.g (insert annoying act)..and it could be sorted!
Or perhaps the trip did not go as well as i felt it did. I had fun, i loved it, i miss my buddy because we can talk nerdy fun shit or just be silly or just try anything that may be interesting.
Now, i'm just extremely sad. More than a little bit stressed out with exams, work, Masters and a diploma course. Functioning on no sleep (ruminating too much about what i did wrong or not), no food (been really sick past few days) and just sheer stubbornness. Of course, the upside to that is i may win a bet as i weighed in today at 63.8kg, way down from 66kg last week in Japan. When i am broken-hearted, i just can't eat. I can work, i can be absolutely brilliant at what i do, i can help other people but i cannot sleep, eat or relax.
My new year's resolution was to stay happy, toughen up and no crying. I think i have broken all 3 easily this past week.
Well, i guess the only thing to do is tackle more important stuff. Man, i really truly deeply believed it when my mate said "i'll always have time for you mate". Words just words eh?.
Sigh, well i am really grateful to my mate anyway for being a rock through some hard times. And being kind and honest (i thought) to me. So, no one's perfect. But nothing will be the same because i don't think i have ever had such deep trust in anyone my whole life.
At times like these, just have to go to Bunnings, get some planks, build a bridge and get over it.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
So High
higher than a skylark
resting in the sky
on a mountain pass --Matsuo Basho
Ah, that pretty much sums up what i felt Friday night . I cannot remember the last time i felt so happy and alive. Perhaps at last i have regained my "muchness" and more!.
Of course, what a cliche: girl meets boy, gets socks blasted off faster than a rocket. Granted, it may be one-sided, but i am not complaining.
Sadly, it may not proceed anywhere because of geographic logistics issues. They really don't make them like that in Australia. I may have to move to the U.K, where i may not even secure my target!. However, i give everything a good try and this bloke is amazing.
I have no plans to date anyone else after this, because how can you top it?.
*addendum: Sadly, good buddy J has pointed out to me there is no chance a man will go to the other side of the world to see a girl. After spending last night crying (the truth does hurt) , i was surprised to get an email. I hope J and i will be proven wrong. It was nice to be happy again, i would love to be happy at least once more**
resting in the sky
on a mountain pass --Matsuo Basho
Ah, that pretty much sums up what i felt Friday night . I cannot remember the last time i felt so happy and alive. Perhaps at last i have regained my "muchness" and more!.
Of course, what a cliche: girl meets boy, gets socks blasted off faster than a rocket. Granted, it may be one-sided, but i am not complaining.
Sadly, it may not proceed anywhere because of geographic logistics issues. They really don't make them like that in Australia. I may have to move to the U.K, where i may not even secure my target!. However, i give everything a good try and this bloke is amazing.
I have no plans to date anyone else after this, because how can you top it?.
*addendum: Sadly, good buddy J has pointed out to me there is no chance a man will go to the other side of the world to see a girl. After spending last night crying (the truth does hurt) , i was surprised to get an email. I hope J and i will be proven wrong. It was nice to be happy again, i would love to be happy at least once more**
Friday, September 03, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Spunkeymonkey in Esperance winter season
You know, when you read all these British based novels, seaside towns die each off-season. The latest book i read that mentioned this was Nick Hornby's Juliet Naked.
Esperance is different though. It's winter but it still feels alive. I reckon that's because it's not completely based on tourism. There's mining and farming. So far, the big thing in town has been a play called Captive Wives.There was the Sunday Market a few days ago, Soapbox Racing and of course, Coffee Cat.
It's been a bit more relaxed compared to Mt Barker. Sadly, i do think i've to give up doing hospital based work. I hate the constant barrage of calls from the ward, i hate having to run between the surgery and the wards and just feeling so worn out. Thankfully, the staff at the surgery have been super nice and for fasting month my schedule has been lightened somewhat.
Sleep is an on/off issue. I think if i do not make it an issue, i'll be right. Funnily enough, i sleep better after longish chats/video chats with a mate based in the Far east. I think we've been in touch on and off for maybe 5-6 years?. It is funny because we never actually emailed very often; if at all. However, it's been a life-saver for me literally as my mate's fun and non-serious banter really does help the blues. Too bad that now he's having same probs, i am not much help. Perhaps i need to take classes in how to be light-hearted and less a serious misery guts?. I reckon i can be positive, it's just that melancholia has been my default user mode since i was a little girl. Not much to be happy about then but i've loads to be thankful about now.
Esperance is a good place to lick your wounds and heal. It's quiet with a beautiful bay and endless lovely beaches. The daily gust that kick in at about 3p.m or so; is refreshing.
I don't think i've done as well as before. It's sad as it may be my last time here. But what can i do, i've lost my "muchness" to paraphrase the Mad Hatter. I'm getting it back in dribs and drabs but did i not used to be peppier, more aggro, more out there, crazier and louder?. I think i used to better. I hardly recognize myself .
I'm efficient but i feel my head's not right.
How did i get here, and what have i done?.
Esperance is different though. It's winter but it still feels alive. I reckon that's because it's not completely based on tourism. There's mining and farming. So far, the big thing in town has been a play called Captive Wives.There was the Sunday Market a few days ago, Soapbox Racing and of course, Coffee Cat.
It's been a bit more relaxed compared to Mt Barker. Sadly, i do think i've to give up doing hospital based work. I hate the constant barrage of calls from the ward, i hate having to run between the surgery and the wards and just feeling so worn out. Thankfully, the staff at the surgery have been super nice and for fasting month my schedule has been lightened somewhat.
Sleep is an on/off issue. I think if i do not make it an issue, i'll be right. Funnily enough, i sleep better after longish chats/video chats with a mate based in the Far east. I think we've been in touch on and off for maybe 5-6 years?. It is funny because we never actually emailed very often; if at all. However, it's been a life-saver for me literally as my mate's fun and non-serious banter really does help the blues. Too bad that now he's having same probs, i am not much help. Perhaps i need to take classes in how to be light-hearted and less a serious misery guts?. I reckon i can be positive, it's just that melancholia has been my default user mode since i was a little girl. Not much to be happy about then but i've loads to be thankful about now.
Esperance is a good place to lick your wounds and heal. It's quiet with a beautiful bay and endless lovely beaches. The daily gust that kick in at about 3p.m or so; is refreshing.
I don't think i've done as well as before. It's sad as it may be my last time here. But what can i do, i've lost my "muchness" to paraphrase the Mad Hatter. I'm getting it back in dribs and drabs but did i not used to be peppier, more aggro, more out there, crazier and louder?. I think i used to better. I hardly recognize myself .
I'm efficient but i feel my head's not right.
How did i get here, and what have i done?.
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